A Musing #56
So I’m 28 years old now. I made it out of 27 alive and with a smile on my face. I try to usually make these posts to be about my art practice, but over time they are becoming more personal journal entries. Like a self portrait, it all depends on my mood. There shouldn’t be an reason why a man can’t express his feelings openly and if you have an issue with that well you’re part of the problem.
I’m proud of how far I’ve come not only with my paintings but as a human being as well. If you’ve followed anything that’s been happening on my instagram, you know it’s been a rough period for me. It be very odd if I didn’t speak about it considering the majority of my work is a collection of my vulnerabilities. There’s strength in that. Back in the old days, I’d probably take the macho route and be on a bender for a couple of weeks. Running away from heartbreak through endless drinking and other self destructive behaviour. It’s not the way to do it. Talk it out. You’re better than that. My art practice reflects how I am as a person in the real world. I take the time to feel the waves of emotions. There’s no hiding or trying to put on this fake exterior. I learnt my lesson years ago from that. Be careful who you pretend to be because you’ll make it a reality like it or not.
I’ve been very fortunate to share periods of my life with special women. We all want love and that happily ever after we see in books and on the big screens. Sometimes it just doesn’t work out and that’s okay. It’s the consequences that are the hardest. I recently got out of a relationship with someone who I very much believed was going to be the one. There was a feeling of confidence that I unlearned bad habits from the past and was the person I should be to build a positive loving harmony with someone else. I felt ready to be in a team. This is not me airing out our dirty laundry. I gave a lot of myself to someone who wasn’t in a position emotionally to give anything back. During that process, I’ve come to realize my self worth and identity have taken a massive blow. We lose a companion and we lose a part of ourselves.
She’s going to do great things and as much as I can have my heart broken, I don’t wish any ill or hold any hate towards her. As much as it sucks, would I do it all over again? Yes. I wouldn’t change anything. I’ve got calus on my knees from falling and I’m pretty good at stitching myself back together. So we pick ourselves back up and keep going forward. There’s going to be a lot of new work heading your way concerning whats happening inside yours truly. Maybe if you’re reading this and going through something similar, my work might give you a tiny bit of peace. Let this period be a mourning followed by a rebirth.
If you’re reading this by chance, I hope you find what you’re looking for in this life. Maybe you’ve already forgotten me by now, but remember to keep that true charm of yours because that’s one of the major reasons why I fell in love with you. That spark. That’s the real you.Don’t sacrifice it for the wrong people. Everything will work out for you. I promise.
