A Musing #72

It’s conference season and that means being ridiculously uncomfortable watching myself babble on screen about life. I literally can’t sit still in front of the computer looking at myself talk. Strange for the guy who can continues to paint himself over and over again. L’ADA is back for round 2 in Bretagne and I’m excited to shove my knowledge of stuff and things down people’s brain holes.

I feel I’m still in limbo regarding the rest of my world. There hasn’t been any realist portraits because I’m trying to sort things out with myself before I can focus on someone else. Usually that’s how it should be in life, right? Letting all of this get to me and turn me grumpy and cruel would be very easy, but I’m trying to at least show someone out there that there’s hope. There’s some positivity to take from all of this. That this is normal for artists to go through very uncertain rough patches in their lives. Hearing the “you’ll be fine!” and “Everything is going to be okay in the end!” speeches tire me out. Of course everything will be fine in the end, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t challenging in the present. We forget that part of the story. It gets covered up with fake positivity and just makes it all heavier for no good reason. Personally, I’ve lost track of how many times I’ve wanted to throw in the towel. To just quit and walk away from it all, but I’m still here. Good vibes only can suck my ass to be honest.

If any of you are thinking that I’m somehow inspired and being ultra productive due to the subject matter of my work, you’re wrong. I have ideas, but I’m not thriving rolling around in my darkness. It’s not a place in my mind I enjoy overstaying. My brush feels heavy most days. Most of my work, no matter how somber it is, has been done when I’m incredibly happy. Artists get blocked when emotions and scenarios have their way. So take it from me as someone who is deep in it right now, it’s normal and it happens but it’s still difficult. I’ll be okay in the end and I know you will be too.